On the 9th May 2007, it was 11 years since our son Samuel was born at 28 weeks. Through those 11 years we have experienced what it is to deal with disappointment after disappointment. You see, he is a quadriplegic with a severe learning delay. People assume that somehow he will get better or improve in a conventional way. Let me give you an example.

Samuel does not mature, he stays almost a baby. His body and his looks do not, they get older, but his mind does not or not the way we do would think of it. Someone suggested that as he gets older he may want more independence. Normally this is correct however Samuel is not a normal child and will always be fully dependent on someone for care; he will not mature or grow older they way we do.

This is a hard pill to swallow, let me tell you. We get generally blank looks at this point as we relate to our own children and experience. Most people will never try to get in side a disabled mind, the thought itself is too alien, too frightening. Trust me, I have tried to relate to what it would be like for him and it is inconceivable. As a parent, your heart just sinks to think he will never play football, date girls or have kids.

So basically, you live in a constant state of brokenness or anger. Take your pick. You can be at peace and live life however you will probably always fall in to one or the other category, the first being my personal preference as that brokenness can form some pretty good character in you while anger just hurts people and damages character.

People sometimes wonder how you do it. Well you can accept it and move on or be in denial which goes hand in hand with anger. Denial is something we do easily; in fact you can stay there your whole life if you like allowing the bitterness that accompanies it to dominate your every expression. If you accept it, you will feel pain for the rest of your life however you are also able to express joy and appreciate the good things of life, like the healthy kids you have or the fact that you are alive and the flowers still smell beautiful the way they always have.

We have to stop asking the why question and move on to what. Well what can I do? Who can I help? Who can help come over from anger to acceptance? It gives your life a point and direction. Someone famous said that if you want to find your life you have to first lose it. By asking why, you are not losing but hanging on.

Let’s not get confused with the definition of accepting your lot in life; you take responsibility for what you can do and live your life. It is not like being a zombie, at the mercy of your circumstances, just wandering from point to point, mindlessly. It is being actively engaged in life but not for your own sake but for the sake of others, especially those who depend on you.

I have a wife and two other children that need me to be there and not always ask why oh why. They will not put up with that for very long. I have nearly lost everything by going down that path.

As hard as it is, there is no choice for me.