Living Miracles of Book of Hope.

Written September 1996 some 4 months after Samuel's birth.

I personally think our emotions are the most complex part of us. We react to everything around us with certain feelings, sometimes ones we are unaware of. Say the word “spider” and most people would grimace or say “urhhhh!”

Parents of premature babies react like anyone else. The feelings we experience are normal but often not understood by others around us. Let’s face it everyone knows someone who has had a premature baby but not as many actually have.

I will share with you what my wife and I felt and how we dealt or failed to deal with the many emotions we experienced and still are. Each of us are individuals but I know I would be foolish to assume no one else has felt what I have felt or gone through what I have. In the final analysis we are in fact very alike in the way we feel. Maybe someone will read this and agree.

Initial Shock

The first emotion I felt was shock. Utter disbelief. Seeing this tiny out of proportion baby that did not resemble a new born. We had been through the mill for almost five weeks prior and were already in a drained emotional state. At the same time there was a certain amount of relief because the uncertainty we had experienced due to the delay of the C Section.

What should we feel? We were in new territory. How can you know how you will react under pressure if you have not experienced it? A friend who spent some time in the US Army told me only 10 per cent of soldiers actually fire back effectively during battle. Why? Because of pressure they have not had to cope with previously. I suppose they are shocked.

People congratulated us, sent us flowers, patted me on the back and asked me how it was to be a father. We did not want any of these things because we were in shock. Our baby was very sick and that is all that occupied our thoughts.

Disappointment and Grief

We felt disappointed that we had been robbed of the normal pregnancy. You know the story. You are told you (both of you) are going to have a baby and you are given a due date. When all of a sudden the baby comes really early you feel that disappointment.

You see other mothers with their children happy and playing and your thoughts go to your little one in intensive care. Karla said she often felt “ripped off” because she had not experienced all the wonders of pregnancy she had expected. It is all about expecting certain things and them not happening at all or the way you think they should be.

A child should not be in world three months early. The child should be still in its mothers womb; growing and being nurtured in a beautiful way that only a mother can. The womb is awesome and no amount of advanced equipment can come any where near it! When you see your baby struggling because he/she is not meant to be here yet the pang of hurt inside you is enormous. I can only guess how much more worse it must be for a mother.

Anger

Here is that emotion that is thrown around so much these days. Once you get over the initial shock and then disappointment the next thing that will probably knock on your hearts door will be anger. This was a very difficult one for me.

You find yourself lashing out at people and situations for no reason at all. We both were angry about what was happening. You feel so helpless that the only response you can find is anger. Anger at the world, anger at others who seem less deserving and angry at yourself because you can do nothing to change what has occurred.

However anger is dangerous however if left unchecked. We had to constantly talk to each other about what we were feeling. That was the key for us. Not to let it burn inside and build up. We are all human and I know that I had so much anger that it was turning in to bitterness. I had to let it go. Face it first and then let it go. Easier said then done.

Not Alone

What made it easier? We felt we were not alone. We knew God was somehow looking after us and this brought amazing peace. Why has He let it happen? This question I threw at God many times deep in my heart. I do not understand why only that I had two choices, bitterness or to let it go.

I don’t intend to get all religious here. We also had many people supporting us (and still do ) who cared. Not in a passing way but in a real way. Some times all you need is someone to listen or just be a friend without actually saying anything. We found talking about anything else helped as the constant questions about the trauma seemed to make it look bigger and more painful.

So What Then?

There is nothing Karla and I could do about our feelings. Denial only made it worse. What would we say to you now if you are going through the meat grinder? Don’t get bitter and don’t isolate yourself. Find real friends and to ease the burden. Couples should talk to each other about it. All very simple. I am not a therapist I only share with you our experience. We were not the first and we will not be the last. There is probably someone much worse off.